“Improvements are only temporary until they become part of who you are. This year, focus on the identity you want to build.” – James Clear

“New Year’s resolutions often fail because toxic emotions and experiences from our past can sabotage us or keep us stuck with the same old thoughts, patterns and regrets.” – Debbie Ford.

January is the month of lofty intentions and sincere goals. 

And no wonder – we’re hungry for real change in our lives. 

So we think about our “new year’s resolutions” and we make plans for all kinds of things: to stop self-medicating, to start an exercise program and change our bodies, to be a better friend, read more, start a project, to learn an instrument, to be more creative, to start a business. That’s January. 

February, however, is often the graveyard of failed new year’s resolutions. That’s partly because it’s way easier to set a goal or make a resolution than to keep at it. But it’s also because we tend to put all the focus on the results we want, not the process it takes to get there. And most of all, they fail because we over use our inner critic to motivate us, and we go it alone. 

But do we actually make change happen? Lasting change?

Real change takes self-compassion, process, and support! 

Dr. Kristin Neff, the foremost researcher on self-compassion, describes self-compassion this way:

 “Self-compassion isn’t just about being nice to yourself; it’s about recognizing your flaws as a part of the shared human experience and mindfully addressing them without judgment”.

Why does self-compassion work better than self-criticism? Because self-compassion creates a supportive, flexible, hospitable environment for growth. Changing anything substantial requires us to move beyond our zone of competence and comfort. When we leave our zone of competency and expertise, we inevitably make mistakes, we experience failure. This is good! Mistakes and failures are simply intrinsic to the process of change. When we can acknowledge our mistakes or our failures, and stay out of harsh judgement, we give ourselves the right environment to experiment, to make changes, and to actually grow. 

Neff teaches us that self compassion has 3 components: self kindness, mindfulness, common humanity. 

• Self kindness is talking to yourself in a kind way; talking to yourself the way you would talk to a loved one. It’s sharing the same kindness and support you’d show a good friend. 
• Mindfulness is being present in the moment and observing your emotions without judgement. 
• Common humanity is recognizing that your flaws are just part of the human experience; no one is perfect (no matter how perfect their Instagram looks). 

Self-compassion is a skill and it can be practiced and learned! Go to Dr. Neff’s site, https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-test/ to measure your current level of self compassion. Increasing your self-compassion: now there’s a great intention for 2025. 

Process: Systems, Not Goals! 

If you want to write a book, create a system for becoming a writer. 
If you want to run a marathon, create a system for becoming a runner. 
If you want to cook great meals, create a system for becoming a cook.
If you want to start a new business, create a system for becoming a business owner. 
If you want to be a rockstar, create a system for becoming a musician. 

You get the idea. 

It’s the process of habit changes that leads to creation of new identity and that identity (not the focus on end results) that will, actually, produce the results you want. 

This is the key thesis of James Clear’s excellent book, Atomic Habits. Motivation, Clear writes, is overrated. A supportive environment is what works – one that is conducive to habit building in a slow, easy, and even pleasing way. 

As Clear recommends, we need to focus on the identity we want to inhabit, not just the goals we want to reach. And if you create consistent and supportive habits, even tiny ones, this will shape your identity and move you to the place(s) you want to reach – even achieve some of those goals that feel so important on January 1st. 

I highly recommend his book; TLDR: you can read his article here. 

The new year does offer all of us a fresh start, a new opportunity to think about our goals, our intentions, our lives, and what we really want for ourselves. As you consider this for yourself, I hope you will think about how you can create the most hospitable environment for the change you desire, through growing your self-compassion. I hope you will think about your identity – not the end result –  and that you’ll look at your plans through the processes that will lead you there. And I hope you will reach out for the support and accountability you need to help you grow in this way.

We at Wolcott Counseling & Wellness are here to support you, to encourage your work toward developing real self-compassion, and to accompany you on your journey with the expertise, resources, insights and events to help you thrive in 2025. Here’s to the next 365 days of small, meaningful steps toward becoming the person you want to be!