Leaving an Abusive Relationship: 5 Steps to Safety

 This article discusses domestic violence, coercive control, stalking, and abuse. Please read at your own pace and skip any sections that feel overwhelming.

Any therapist in the business of working with the most personal, intimate, and difficult issues in a client’s life has encountered domestic violence. I probably hear more about this than some therapists because I specialize in narcissistic abuse, coercive control dynamics, and intimate partner violence. I’m also a survivor of domestic and dating violence myself, and I’ve volunteered or served on the board at domestic violence shelters in every city I’ve lived in since I left home for college. You could say I’m passionate about these issues.

So, in this October month of Domestic Violence Awareness, I don’t want to recite statistics aimed at “raising awareness”. I want to share the view from the therapist’s chair. I want to share what I’ve observed are the real steps to getting out and staying safe. And I want to speak directly to the beaten-down-but-not-yet-giving-up survivors of abuse. Statistically, that’s more than one in three women in the US, according to the CDC . You are my heroes.

Here’s how I have helped women become aware of the gaslighting that prevents them from seeing their own degradation, listened to them carefully, helped them plan to leave, helped them actually leave safely, and helped them thrive afterward. And if it helps some therapists become more closely attuned to these wonderful clients, all the better.

I write about women here because women account for 75-85% of domestic violence victims. Abuse happens to people of every gender and everything in this post is for you too.

The 5 Steps at a Glance

• Awareness: recognizing the pattern and how it connects to the confusion and guilt you feel.
• Preparation: building a safety plan quietly, with an advocate, before you move.
• Leaving: going with support, on a day and in a way chosen for your safety.
• After You Leave: staying alert to safety while you make room for grief.
• Thriving: rebuilding trust in yourself and a life that is your own.

1. Awareness

Woman after woman has come to my office with some version of feeling guilty for not being a “good partner,” for not being “enough,” or for feeling unclear and confused about what happened or is happening in their relationship. Often, these women will say, “I’m afraid I’m a narcissist.” (Pro tip: narcissists rarely  ask if they are narcissists, so if you’re asking, you’re very likely not it.)  Asking is usually a flag for me that she’s suffered from someone twisting her reality, from DARVO, from manipulation and abuse. That she might even be in some danger.

So I listen. I ask questions. I am curious about boundaries. What makes her, her? What does she like to do with her time? What is her relationship to anger? How do she and her partner fight? I inquire about her personal values. Has she done things or been coerced into behaviors that feel out of alignment with her ethics and values? How does she value herself?

(If you think you might be in a bad relationship and you are asking yourself, What did I do wrong? Why are they always so angry with me? Am I a narcissist? Am I the problem? Please slow down and seek support. You are not alone.)

We talk about the Power and Control Wheel and the cycle of violence: tension building, a critical incident, a honeymoon phase, and then the cycle repeats. These frameworks can help people recognize patterns that are difficult to see when they are living through them.

Sitting in my office with me (or with any informed, sensitive, compassionate, and understanding therapist with expertise in intimate partner violence), is often the first time a woman has experienced nonjudgmental listening that is free from misogyny.

“Wait… that’s not normal, to be criticized and blamed all the time?”

“You mean I could set a boundary there?”

“I can say no?”

And often: “Are there really men out there who don’t treat women this way, Lisa? Are you sure you’re not describing some mythical unicorn? Can I really have these high expectations of kindness and mutual respect and real support?”

Yes, yes, and yes.

It is bittersweet, but ultimately so joyful to watch a woman move from self-hatred, self-blame, and consuming guilt, to anger that she’s been duped into taking responsibility for her abuser’s behavior, to sadness about the loss of what she hoped the relationship would be, to stepping out—sometimes with exuberance and sometimes with trepidation—into her own freedom.

Awareness does not mean you have to make a decision today. Recognizing harmful patterns takes time, and you may feel love, loyalty, fear, confusion, and hope all at once. You can acknowledge what is happening without having every answer about what comes next.

2. Preparation

We therapists often call ourselves “hope merchants.” We hold the hope for our clients that they cannot yet see, in our open palm, until our client is ready to take hold of it and carry it in their own hands.

Some women I’ve worked with know they’re in a relationship they need to get out of. Some women become aware over time, through the support of therapy and the experience of being listened to and having their reality affirmed, that they need to leave. Regardless of where they were when they arrived, the common experience of my clients who are trapped in an abusive dynamic is their realization that they are in an unhealthy dynamic that is crushing their soul and destroying their connection to the good in their life.

So I listen for what they want to do. And I affirm their right to make choices that benefit their life. I affirm what a healthy, mutually supportive partnership can look like.

And most importantly, I educate them on the reality of leaving.

If you are in a bad relationship and you’ve started to think about leaving, know this: leaving an abusive relationship can be a particularly dangerous time, especially when an abusive partner feels they are losing control. That does not mean you should give up on leaving. It means your safety deserves careful attention and support. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services recommends creating a safety plan, even if you are not ready to leave immediately.

The sad fact is that sometimes a woman has to hide the fact that she’s leaving, for her own safety. That’s because 70-80% of homicides happen in the weeks after a woman leaves her partner. And her risk remains higher for a couple of years. So it’s smart to maintain the appearance that everything is fine while quietly preparing for a safer future. The right approach depends on her circumstances, the level of danger, and the resources available to her.

Preparing to Leave: A Safety Plan

There is no single checklist that works for everyone. An advocate can help you consider which steps are safest for your situation. Prioritize getting individualized help rather than trying to complete every item on a list.

Some things you may want to consider include:

• Secure important documents, if it is safe to do so. These may include identification, passports, birth certificates, immigration papers, financial records, insurance information, and documents related to housing or custody.
• Think about keys and transportation. An extra set of keys, a reliable ride, or an agreed-upon pickup location may give you more options in an emergency.
• Consider access to money. If possible, set aside funds in a place your partner cannot access. A local advocate may be able to help identify financial assistance, emergency housing, and other practical resources.
• Identify trusted people. Consider telling one or two people who will guard your privacy and help without confronting your partner or revealing your plans. You might agree on a code word that signals you need help.
• Identify safe locations. This could be a domestic violence shelter, a trusted friend’s home, or another location chosen with your safety in mind. You do not have to figure out housing alone.
• Think about children, pets, medications, and accessibility needs. A plan should account for the people and animals who depend on you, along with prescriptions, medical devices, and other essentials.
• Absolutely consider your digital safety. An abusive partner may have access to your phone, email, shared accounts, location settings, or online activity. Changing passwords or turning off location sharing can sometimes alert the other person or escalate the situation. If you suspect monitoring, use a safer device if possible and seek specialized advice before making changes.
• Be mindful of surveillance. If you suspect tracking devices or hidden recording equipment, consult a qualified professional or domestic violence advocate about safe next steps. Avoid confronting your partner about suspected surveillance if doing so could increase danger. You can take your car to a police station to have it “swept” for trackers.
• Consider legal support. An advocate or legal aid service may explain options involving protective injunctions, housing, custody, and stalking laws in your area.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline’s safety-planning resources offer additional guidance. Its internet safety information explains why phones, computers, email, and location data deserve special consideration.

Prepare for the Emotional Pull to Return

Leaving is not just a logistical decision. You may still love your partner. You may remember the good times, feel guilty about the pain your departure could cause, or hope that a promise to change will finally be kept. You may worry about finances, housing, children, family reactions, or what life will look like on your own.

Researchers call this pattern “the cycle of violence”. 

You may also experience the honeymoon phase or love bombing: an intense return of affection, attention, gifts, apologies, or promises after a violence, emotional or physical. In some relationships, these gestures are part of a recurring pattern that makes it difficult to maintain distance. Look at the pattern, not the isolated apology and return to love. 

You don’t have to prove that your partner is a bad person to decide that a relationship is harming you. You also don’t have to stop loving someone before you can protect yourself. You can love someone from afar (and safe). 

Know that you are not alone. Leaving usually takes multiple attempts and returning doesn’t mean you failed. If  you know someone who seems ambivalent about leaving, check out this guidance on supporting someone who returns to an abusive relationship to remind you that this process is complex.

Rehearsal: Think Through the Next Steps

When it is safe to do so, think through the practical details of leaving. Where could you go? Who could help with transportation? What would you do if your partner came home unexpectedly? How would you contact someone if you did not have access to your phone?

This is not about creating a perfect plan. It is about identifying options before you need them. You can rehearse a phone call with an advocate, arrange a safe way to contact a trusted person, or decide where you would go in an emergency.

And please remember: if you are in immediate danger, get to safety. Call 911, a trusted friend, or call or go to a domestic violence shelter. You don’t need to finish a checklist before seeking help. Your life and safety come first.

3. Leaving

Real Stories of Escape

Each of these was a client of mine. Names and identifying details in these stories have been changed or left out to protect the people involved.

Sara was in a relationship with a man everyone else saw as a protector. What once had looked like love and protection turned into a torture of coercive control and threats that he’d hurt her if she ever left. When she came to see me, she had already begun a job hunt out of state. While we worked together, she secured a job and made arrangements to live with a trusted friend of a friend while she prepared in secret to leave her abusive boyfriend—who had an uncanny knack for knowing where she was. We met for months during this time. She didn’t even tell me she had left until she was safely out of state. She moved in the middle of the night without telling anyone—just disappeared.

Jenny shared a home and a workplace with her abuser. Her entire support network of colleagues was made up of his colleagues and friends, too. So she couldn’t share with anyone at her job what was going on. We worked together during this time to help her create a safe plan and identify who she could trust to help her. She eventually let her father, who lived out of state, and a couple of close friends know her plans. She also secured a job geographically far away, hired movers, and arranged the move to happen on a day when she knew her abuser would be at work for most of the day. The movers, her dad, and her friends all converged at the home, packed her belongings, and she moved to her new city that day.

Leah’s boyfriend accompanied her to therapy and waited in the waiting room for her whole session every week. I was in a large group practice at the time, so it wasn’t initially clear to me who he was. I thought he was a client of another therapist. She didn’t know how to prevent him from escorting her – or entering her apartment whenever he wished. Both of them were impressive academics here at UF. She, too, sought a job out of state to get away from him.

One of the hardest things about being a therapist is not knowing where people end up. I met with one couple earlier in my career, and it was in the first few minutes of our session that I realized I was witnessing an abusive dynamic. The man had made the appointment and was recruiting me to help him control his partner. Rage and intensity radiated off him to the point that I felt unnerved, and he disclosed violence toward her as well as holding her hostage.

I made a second appointment with them, telling them both that I would meet with them individually. I consulted at length with a local victim’s advocate and coordinated with the one male therapist in my group practice so his presence would be known to the male partner, which made me feel more personally secure.

I also lined up the local shelter to receive the woman if she wanted to leave immediately from my office. Here’s where we had to get creative: I had observed that her partner held onto her bag throughout their previous session, and I knew she had been denied possession of her own phone. I printed two sets of resources and taped one in an envelope to the mirror in the women’s bathroom down the hall. The other I gave to her. I wanted her to know that if he took the paper from her—after I met with her first—she could get another copy from the bathroom and leave.

I told her I could continue to see her for individual work, but that I would not be seeing them as a couple. I also told her I could escort her out the back door and into a waiting cab to take her to our local shelter. She declined, and I never knew what happened to them. Because when I met with him and told him I could not do couples work with them, and gave him a referral to a local practice that specializes in men’s violence, he stormed out and took her with him, passing my dear male colleague in the hallway as he did.

They never followed up. That was almost 18 years ago. I still think about her, and I hope she got to safety.

In my own case, I was 17 and leaving for college. I was lucky—my boyfriend was also starting college, but I was going out of state eight hours away, and he didn’t pursue me once it was clear I had moved on. My friend Callie was not so lucky. Her boyfriend transferred to our small college to follow her. My memory of her at this time was someone who kept to her dorm room and looked stressed – like she was weighed down with so much tension all the time. When she did her semester abroad in Europe, she didn’t come back to our college but instead got married overseas. She was 20. I wonder what she would have done if she’d had more support and freedom.

Planning and having support is essential. So is patience. Survivors may leave and return multiple times before leaving for good. Why? Fear, financial barriers, children, pets (how many shelters take pets? And the thought of the abuser hurting the pet is often intolerable to victims), housing, isolation, and legitimate concerns about what an abusive partner might do. These are just a few of the reasons. 

If you are ready to leave, please consider doing so with support from a team you trust. That team may include a domestic violence advocate, therapist, trusted friend, family member, legal professional, or crisis service. Please plan as carefully as your circumstances allow. You deserve support at every stage, including if you are not ready to leave or if your first attempt does not go as planned.

4. After You Leave

The time after you leave is a critical and dangerous period. It can also be complicated, emotional, and exhausting. You may have expected to feel only relief, but instead find yourself experiencing grief, fear, uncertainty, anger, loneliness, or even missing the person you left. You might question your decision, worry about the future, or feel overwhelmed by the practical work of starting over.

None of these feelings means you made the wrong choice. You can miss someone and still recognize that the relationship was harmful. You can grieve what you hoped the relationship would become while also making room for something different.

Continue to Pay Attention to Safety

• Abuse does not always end when a relationship ends. Some former partners continue to threaten, harass, monitor, or stalk.
• The few weeks after leaving are legitimately a dangerous time for you.
• Document incidents when it is safe to do so, and speak with a domestic violence advocate or legal professional about your options.
• Avoid responding to threats in ways that could increase your risk.
• If you suspect your devices or accounts are being monitored, seek guidance from a safe person. The National Domestic Violence Hotline’s stalking safety-planning guidance can help.
• If you believe you are in immediate danger, contact emergency services when it is safe to do so.

Make Room for Grief, Loss, and Recovery

• You may be grieving a relationship, a home, a shared community, financial security, or the future you imagined.
• You may feel relief one day and deep sadness the next, along with anger or frustration at how long it took to recognize the pattern.
•  Try not to turn recovery into another standard you have to meet perfectly. You do not need to feel strong every day.
• Everyday decisions can feel surprisingly difficult after coercive control. Start small: choose what you want to eat, what to wear, reconnect with a friend, do something you used to enjoy.
•  Notice what makes you feel calm, safe, or more like yourself. These ordinary moments rebuild trust in your own judgment.

Children Need Support, Too

• Children may be feeling their own mix of fear, confusion, grief, anger, or relief, even if they were never physically harmed.
• When it is safe, offer simple, age-appropriate reassurance: the abuse is not their fault, and they do not have to solve adult problems.
• Keep routines predictable where you can, knowing that housing, school, and family arrangements may take time to settle.
•  A therapist who understands family violence and trauma is a huge help to children. For concerns about custody or contact with the other parent, speak with a domestic violence advocate and a qualified legal professional. There are also therapists who specialize in helping clients navigate the court system.

You do not have to handle every part of this transition alone. Support is available for you and your children as you navigate what comes next.

5. Thriving After an Abusive Relationship

Getting out is a major step, but healing is often a longer process. The goal is not simply to get through the immediate crisis. It is to build a life in which you can feel safe, connected, and free to make choices that reflect who you are.

Thriving looks different for everyone. For one person, it may mean finding stable housing and getting through the workday without fear. For another, it may mean reconnecting with friends, returning to school, beginning a new relationship, or rediscovering a hobby. There is no required timeline and no single definition of success.

Rebuild Trust in Yourself

• Gaslighting and coercive control leaves you second-guessing what you remember, worrying that you are overreacting, or asking permission before making decisions.
• Practice noticing what you think and feel without immediately judging it.
• You can ask for advice and still make the final decision. You can set a boundary without having to prove that your reason is good enough.
• A trauma-informed therapist can help you process what happened. Therapy should be a space where your choices are respected, not another place where someone tells you what you must do.

Reconnect With Supportive People

• Abusive relationships can create isolation. You may have lost contact with friends, grown distant from family, or avoided people your partner disliked.
• You do not have to explain everything at once. Begin with one person who feels safe and say that you would like to reconnect.
• Support groups for survivors can provide a space to be understood by people with similar experiences.
• The people who care about you should be able to respect your pace, even when they are worried about you.

Learn What Healthy Boundaries Feel Like

• After living with control or manipulation, boundaries can feel unfamiliar. You may worry that saying no will lead to anger, punishment, or rejection.
• Disagreement does not have to mean danger, and you are allowed to change your mind.
• Mutual respect is a reasonable expectation in relationships.
• You may still feel anxious about conflict. Over time you can develop new ways of responding to those feelings and choose relationships in which your needs and autonomy are respected.

Allow Yourself to Imagine a Future

• You do not have to rush into dating, forgive your former partner, or turn your experience into a lesson for others.
• You are allowed to take time, and to feel uncertain about what comes next.
• New interests, new friendships, and difficult days when the grief returns can all be part of healing.

Thriving is not about pretending the abuse never happened. It is about having a life that grows beyond the abuse, bigger than what happened to you. It’s about no longer being organized around someone else’s control. It’s about stepping into your freedom. Your choices, your decisions, and surrounded by people who don’t just tolerate that – they celebrate it! 

Some Notes for My Fellow Therapists

For therapists, supporting someone who is experiencing intimate partner violence requires more than identifying abuse. It requires awareness and expertise, careful listening, attention to power and control dynamics, knowledge of real risks, respect for client autonomy, and an understanding that leaving may introduce additional, serious danger.

Educate Yourself

There is a great deal of scholarship and practical information about intimate partner violence that is not aligned with our current laws – or the prevalent discourse on domestic violence. And the once-in-a-while CEs we’re required to take are a) too little and b) inconsistent across jurisdictions. So learn from people in the trenches – advocates who have pioneered the scholarship and researchers who know the real statistics and the stories behind them. Talk to therapists who know and understand these clients, and seek consultation. 

Learn as much about coercive control, the dynamics of power and control, about the cycle of violence as you can. Our resources section below is a great place to start. 

Be humble as you learn and know this: not knowing what’s needed to work with IPV and coercive control isn’t your fault. Our society and culture are built, by design, to mask the understanding that is really needed to work effectively with these clients (and sadly our professions are not immune to this). But I believe it is all of our responsibility to learn.

Listen Without Judgment

Clients often do not initially describe their relationships as abusive. They may talk about anxiety, guilt, confusion, conflict, or feeling as though they are always doing something wrong. Rather than rushing to label the relationship, create space for the client to describe what happens, how decisions are made, and what happens when they say no.

Ask questions about boundaries, fear, access to money and transportation, isolation, and monitoring. Be mindful that a client may not feel safe disclosing.

Avoid Blaming Questions

Questions such as “Why don’t you just leave?” or “Why did you go back?” can unintentionally reinforce shame. A more helpful approach is to explore the barriers the client faces, the risks they perceive, and what support might make them feel safer.

Returning to a relationship does not mean a client is unwilling to heal. They are likely managing threats, finances, housing, children, immigration concerns, disability, or emotional attachment. These realities deserve thoughtful attention and empathy, not judgment.

Do Not Assume Leaving Is Safest

Again, the research tells us that the fews weeks after a client leaves are the most dangerous for her. A therapist can validate that abuse is unacceptable without directing a client to leave on a particular timeline. Help the client consider options, connect with a domestic violence advocate, and develop a real plan that reflects their circumstances and preferences and prioritizes their safety. Help the client access key resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline. 

If there is an immediate threat or a disclosure involving serious danger, follow applicable professional, ethical, and legal requirements. Consult qualified colleagues and local advocacy resources as needed. There is a whole community ready to help; use it. 

Use Caution With Couples Therapy

When coercive control, intimidation, or violence is present, standard couples therapy is not safe and not recommended.Joint sessions can give an abusive partner additional information to use against the other person, or make the survivor less willing to speak honestly. Assess safety privately and seek consultation with professionals who specialize in intimate partner violence. Refer all cases that have active, ongoing violence to individual therapists while affirming to the couple that you will be ready to work with them in the future. 

Keep the Client’s Autonomy at the Center

Therapists may feel urgency, fear, or frustration when a client remains in an unsafe relationship. Those feelings are understandable, but the work still requires respect for the client’s agency. The therapist’s role is to provide informed support, help the client recognize options, and work collaboratively toward safety—not to take control of the client’s decisions.

For additional guidance, therapists can consult local domestic violence advocates and organizations specializing in intimate partner violence. These partnerships can help bridge the gap between emotional support and practical safety planning.

Resources for Survivors and Supporters

If you are experiencing abuse, please don’t wait until you are ready to leave to ask for help. Advocates can help you talk through your options, whether you are planning to leave, have already left, or are unsure what you want to do.

Consider using devices your partner cannot track.

Immediate and Local Support

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or use the online chat. Advocates are available 24/7.
• Peaceful Paths Domestic Abuse Network: A North Central Florida network offering emergency shelter, domestic violence advocacy, financial counseling, and support. Its listed 24-hour helpline is 352-377-8255. 
• RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: Call 800-656-HOPE (4673) or use the online hotline for support related to sexual violence.
• U.S. Department of Health and Human Services: Leaving an Abusive Relationship: Practical information about safety planning, support, and preparing to leave.

Legal and Safety Information

• Florida Statutes, Section 784.048: Stalking: Florida’s statutory definitions and provisions relating to stalking and cyberstalking. For legal advice about an individual situation, contact a qualified attorney or legal advocate.
• U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development: Violence Against Women Act (VAWA): Information about federal protections and resources for survivors.
• Alachua County Domestic Violence and Injunction Information: Local information about protective injunctions and assistance.

Books, Films, and Other Resources

The following books and shows explore abuse, trauma, recovery, or relationship dynamics. They may be useful starting points for learning, reflection, or discussion, although individual experiences will vary.

Books

• Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
• No Visible Bruises by Rachel Louise Snyder
• Coercive Control by Evan Stark
• See What You Made Me Do? by Jess Hill
• Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman

Film and television

• Big Little Lies
• Maid
• Sleeping with the Enemy

You Do Not Have to Navigate This Alone

Leaving a bad relationship is rarely as simple as making a decision and walking away. It can involve recognizing abuse, preparing carefully, navigating safety concerns, grieving what you hoped the relationship would be, and learning to trust yourself again.

If you are in the middle of that process, you deserve support. You deserve support without judgment. You don’t have to prove that things are “bad enough” to ask for help, you don’t have to wait for it to get physical, and you don’t have to have a complete plan before reaching out.

At Wolcott Counseling & Wellness, we believe that healing begins with being heard, respected, and supported. A trauma-informed approach to therapy can help you explore your experiences, reconnect with your needs, and work toward a future that feels more grounded and your own.

If you are looking for support, learn more about our individual therapy services or contact Wolcott Counseling & Wellness to learn about available options. Therapy is one part of a support system; if you are facing immediate safety concerns, a domestic violence advocate can help you plan for your safety.

You are worthy of safety, dignity, and the freedom to make choices about your own life.

Frequently Asked Questions About Abusive Relationships