In recent years, therapeutic terms like “manipulation,” “gaslighting,” and various diagnostic labels have become part of everyday conversation. While raising awareness about mental health is important, the casual misuse of these terms can dilute their meaning and, more worryingly, endanger others.
The Problem with Mislabeling
When terms like “narcissist” or “gaslighting” are used loosely, they can lose their clinical significance. For example, calling someone a narcissist because they exhibit selfish behavior ignores the complex criteria required for a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Similarly, labeling disagreements or misunderstandings as “gaslighting” can trivialize the serious psychological abuse the term originally described.
This overuse can harm relationships, stigmatize individuals, and prevent people from getting the professional help they need. When diagnostic terms are thrown around carelessly, those truly suffering from mental health issues may feel invalidated or misunderstood. It can also lead to false accusations, damaging trust and communication between people.
How It Endangers Others
Misusing these terms doesn’t just dilute their meaning; it can also endanger others. For example, accusing someone of being manipulative or gaslighting without fully understanding the context can escalate conflicts and create unnecessary hostility. This can result in serious social consequences, from strained relationships to workplace discrimination.
Additionally, the use of terms based in incorrect information can lead to mismanagement of mental health concerns. It is important that the meaning behind words continue to carry their weight and effectively communicate the severity of an experience or situation. This dilution or twisting of terms can prevent someone from accessing the appropriate treatment or support they need.
A Call for Caution and Compassion
As therapists, we advocate for increased awareness and understanding of mental health. Instead of jumping to conclusions or labeling behaviors with clinical terms, let’s promote open, honest communication and encourage people to seek professional guidance when they’re struggling.
By being mindful of our language, we can help preserve the integrity of these important concepts and protect the mental health and well-being of ourselves and others.
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For readers seeking more information or guidance on mental health topics, consider scheduling an appointment with one of our therapists who can provide professional insight tailored to your individual needs. You can book an appointment by calling (352) 363- 1998.
Misusing clinical terms doesn’t just dilute their meaning; it can also endanger others. For example, accusing someone of being manipulative or gaslighting without fully understanding the context can escalate conflicts and create unnecessary hostility. This can result in serious social consequences, from strained relationships to workplace discrimination.
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Everywhere you look this month — reminders of love, relationships, connection!
Love is amazing. And it’s important. But Valentines’ Day – with its focus on flowers, chocolates and fancy dinners – tells us nothing about how to have more of this incredible life force in our lives. For a lot of us, Valentine’s Day just inspires compare-and-despair. And no wonder. We spend more time teaching people to drive a car than teaching them how to have a good love relationship!
That’s backwards. We need to know more about how to connect.
Think about how little you’ve been taught about love. When did anyone teach you the skills needed to be happy in love? My guess: close to never.
But there are great tools and information out there. And I invite you to spend the rest of this month with me learning about usable, actionable tools that you can implement in your life now. I’ll share some here, but to get all the content, follow along with @wolcottcounseling, and sign up for my newsletter!
You’ve probably heard “You can’t really love someone until you love yourself.” I disagree. Yes, loving yourself is very important — and it’s a lifelong journey for most of us. Definitely work on self love! But take heart — you can love, and receive love, as you’re making that lifelong journey.
You want love, connection, closeness and companionship. Intimacy, fun, life-witnessing, and compassion. We all do. Yet many of us were never taught how to develop our skills to discern and make good choices in love, and we’ve never been taught how to show up with skill and sensitivity for the most important part of our life — choice in, and our connection to a loving partner.
So where do we start?
I love the work of Dr. John Gottman, relationship researcher who studies divorce prediction and marital stability. Along with Dr. Julie Gottman, his research partner and wife, the Gottman Institute says we have the power to be “relationship masters” or “relationship disasters” depending on the skills we practice in our relationships — with ourselves and with our romantic partners.
There are 4 behaviors (and their antidotes) that the Gottmans have identified, over decades of longitudinal research, and they call these the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse for Relationships.
The 4 Horsemen are:
1. Criticism
2. Defensiveness
3. Contempt
4. Stonewalling
And the 4 antidotes to these apocalyptic horsemen are:
1. A soft startup
2. Taking responsibility and ownership
3. A culture of appreciation
4. Physiological self-soothing
The 4 horsemen are so common and so easy to engage in. I don’t need to explain Criticism and Defensiveness…I think everyone knows what those are and feel like — and unfortunately, due to our brain’s negativity bias, we’re really, really good at them. Blaming, criticizing and defensiveness are easy — and frankly, kind of fun sometimes — to engage in. But the Gottmans warn that they’re far more corrosive in relationships than we realize, so if we want to have a good relationship, we must become expert at the antidotes…and that takes practice. But with practice, you can become skilled.
Contempt may look like eye rolling, sneering, derisive laugher, sarcasm and needling. Contempt is acid for a relationship. The antidote is developing a language and culture of real appreciation — knowing your partner better — her or his stories, vulnerabilities, likes/dislikes, and so on. Practicing remembering good times together, celebrating small and big things. Having meaningful rituals. This works against the negativity bias we all so easily fall into, and cushions the irritations of life that we tend to take out on those closest to us.
Stonewalling looks like crossed arms, turning away, or even leaving the room. It happens when someone feels so flooded with negative emotion, they have to block it any way they can. Gottman makes people wear pulse oximeters in couple’s counseling and as soon as anyone’s heart rate gets elevated, they stop the therapy and do muscle relaxation, breathing, and whatever else is necessary to soothe and bring folks back into connection with themselves. Learning to notice when you get flooded with negative emotion (signs like shallow breathing, muscle tension, elevated heart rate) is a key antidote to stonewalling.
I also love Dr. Mira Kirshenbaum’s work on relationships. Dr. Kirshenbaum is the author of When Good People Have Affairs. I wrote a blog post back in 2013 about the “Essential 5” elements to a good relationship. The 5 essential elements are:
Easy Connections
Fun
Safety
Mutual Respect
Physical Chemistry
Definitely read my blog post on why these 5 matter. But I’ll say here that what I like about her take is that we really do have to have ALL five. If you dismiss or minimize even one, Kirshenbaum says, the relationship won’t last…in fact, it’s at high risk for infidelity. The one I hear clients often minimize –when the other 4 are present — is physical chemistry. In fact, people tend to congratulate themselves on not prioritizing this, because they feel that caring about attraction means they’re “superficial.” It’s not superficial. It’s actually essential to the health and well-being of your relationship.
Books by Kirshenbaum and by the Gottmans are a great place to start to improve your understanding of relationships and start practicing some of those antidotes and mindsets. In particular, the Gottman Institute has amazing resources including The Marriage Minute, the Relationship Checkup and more.
Keep an eye out for posts about learning to know yourself better (and become a more skilled partner — a “relationship master” in the verbiage of John Gottman) on @wolcottcounseling Instagram. I’ll be talking about the amazing Authentic Happiness site at University of Pennsylvania, the Love Language tool, the Myers Briggs assessment, and more. My goal is to provide you with as much content as I can about how to love –and understand love–better.
Wishing you all the love —
Lisa
