The Goop Podcast Special Episode, Interview with Terry Real
“Why We Need to Take Our Partners On”, April 22, 2020
I don’t even know where to start with this podcast, because it is so full of truth bombs and great nuggets that if I were to list all of them, I’d be transcribing the entire episode.
This episode is part of a Goop series aimed to spread awareness and helpful information about how we can best manage during the Coronavirus pandemic.
Couples in particular are spending a lot more time together. Why not use this time to develop relationship skills? The increased togetherness (and seeing each other in new roles) is a real opportunity to break old patterns. Intimacy and connection are what give us well-being. We can use this time that we’re in lockdown to get better at it. And we can get better. Relationships are built on skills, not luck. (And not even on love, because although it’s very helpful, it only goes so far).
Terry Real is a renowned marriage therapist and founder of the Relational Life Institute. You can learn more about him here. He’s the author of The New Rules of Marriage and I Don’t Want to Talk About It (The Secret Legacy of Male Depression). Terry believes in and teaches what he calls “fierce intimacy.” He’s a thought leader on what makes relationships work. I’ve learned a ton from him. Also, this episode will make you laugh!
Here are 4 things I loved from this interview:
#1
Healthy self esteem comes from the inside out. But our culture teaches us the opposite: that it comes from the outside in.
Outside-in self esteem comes in 3 flavors.
- Attribute based esteem: I’m worth what I’m worth because of what I have. (All advertising preys on this.)
- Performance based esteem: My worth is in what I do, not who I am. (Particularly strong for men.)
- Other based esteem: I’m worthy because you think I’m worthy. (Common for women.)
#2
Normal Marital Hatred is a thing. (And everyone who is married knows what this means.) It’s a temporary state, and it’s nothing to be scared of. The key is to remember: your relationship isn’t going to be all sunshine and unicorns all the time. The key is a 3-step dance of harmony, disharmony, and repair. Relationships are an endless cycle of this. But we don’t teach people how normal the disharmony is or how to repair. That’s where a relationship therapist comes in (and the reason I love working with couples, because you can learn this).
Harmony—–>Disharmony——>Repair. Learn how to do it!
#3
WAIT is an acronym for Why Am I Talking?
Related to: Who is talking right now? And to whom am I talking? Is it the adult, mature, frontal lobe, mindful, heartful self? Or the triggered, immature self? Slow down (wait), get centered, think, and remember that you love this person even if they seem villainous in this moment.
#4
Your relationship is your personal biosphere. Getting good at communication, at repair is in your own personal best interest. The 5 “Losing Strategies” that pollute your biosphere are:
- Proving you’re right
- Controlling your partner
- Unbridled self expression
- Retaliation
- Withdrawal
Terry has a lot to say about all this, and it’s hopeful and energizing.
Again, L O V E — so intoxicating and wonderful at the start of a relationship — can only take you so far. Without real relationship skills, we start to pollute the very biosphere we live and love in..and unless we learn how to do intimacy, repairs, and good communication, we take love down with it, which is a tragic and unnecessary loss.
I hope you enjoy this episode as much as I did — and for those of you sheltering in place with a partner, I hope it gives you some food for thought on using this time well!
Be well, wash your hands — and stay connected ~
Lisa
